“Why can’t you be more like my friend’s husband?”
“My mother always had dinner ready when my father came home.”
“A good wife would know what I need without me having to say it.”
These statements reveal a common struggle: the gap between idealized expectations and the reality of marriage. For many Asian couples, these expectations are particularly complex, shaped by cultural ideals, family dynamics, and changing social norms.
The “Princess Syndrome” and Family Dynamics
In many Asian families, children—particularly in single-child households—may experience what researchers have termed “little emperor” or “princess” treatment. Children raised with indulgent parenting often experience:
- Being treated as the center of family attention
- Having needs anticipated and immediately fulfilled
- Limited household responsibilities
- Protected from consequences or criticism
When these individuals enter marriage, they often unconsciously expect their spouse to continue this pattern of caretaking. The transition from being cared for to mutual partnership creates significant tension (Wang & Chang, 2010).
Projecting “Normal” onto Others
Research on relationship satisfaction consistently shows that unrealistic expectations are among the strongest predictors of marital distress. These expectations typically manifest as:
- Direct comparisons: “My colleague’s wife always packs his lunch”
- Appeals to cultural norms: “In our culture, wives are supposed to…”
- References to invisible others: “Everyone knows that a husband should…”
- Fixed gender roles: “As the man/woman, it’s your job to…”
Falconier et al. (2013) found that couples who held rigid beliefs about how spouses “should” behave reported significantly higher relationship conflict and lower satisfaction.
The Comparison Trap
Social comparison theory explains why comparing our relationships to others is so psychologically powerful—and potentially damaging. Research on East Asian couples shows they are more likely than Western couples to base relationship satisfaction on social comparison and meeting cultural ideals, rather than personal fulfillment measures (Li & Fung, 2011).
Modern research adds that frequent social media use—with its carefully curated images of “perfect” relationships—correlates with increased marital dissatisfaction, as couples compare their private reality to others’ public presentations (Steers et al., 2014).
When Expectations Turn Harmful
When expectations remain rigid and unexamined, they can escalate into harmful patterns:
- Chronic criticism: Persistent focus on how a partner fails to meet expectations
- Contempt: Looking down on a partner as fundamentally flawed
- Emotional withdrawal: Disengaging to avoid continued disappointment
Research by Gottman and Levenson (2002) identified these patterns as strong predictors of relationship dissolution across cultural backgrounds.
Breaking Free from Unrealistic Expectations
The path forward involves recognizing and reshaping expectations:
- Identify the source of expectations Trace beliefs about marriage back to their origins—family patterns, cultural messages
- Separate preferences from demands Transform “My spouse should/must…” into “I would prefer…”
- Develop curiosity about differences View differences as opportunities to learn rather than problems to fix
- Create unique relationship standards Build agreements based on mutual values rather than external comparisons
Cultural Values in Transition
Many Asian couples today navigate between traditional cultural values and more individualistic approaches to marriage. Tsai and Levenson (1997) found that bicultural couples who could adaptively integrate traditional family values with contemporary relationship expectations reported higher marital satisfaction.
The goal isn’t rejecting cultural heritage, but consciously choosing which aspects to preserve while allowing room for individual personalities and changing circumstances.
Finding Support for Change
At Underneath the Moon, we specialize in helping couples navigate the complex terrain between cultural expectations and personal fulfillment in relationships. Our approach acknowledges the importance of cultural values while creating space for authentic connection.
Start with a free 15-minute Zoom consultation to explore how we can help you release unhelpful expectations and build a relationship based on mutual understanding.
Book your free consultation today and begin creating a marriage defined by who you actually are, not who you “should” be.
References
- Falconier, M. K., Nussbeck, F., & Bodenmann, G. (2013). Immigration stress and relationship satisfaction in Latino couples: The role of dyadic coping. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 32(8), 813-843. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2013.32.8.813
- Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A two-factor model for predicting when a couple will divorce: Exploratory analyses using 14-year longitudinal data. Family Process, 41(1), 83-96. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.2002.40102000083.x
- Li, T., & Fung, H. H. (2011). The dynamic goal theory of marital satisfaction. Review of General Psychology, 15(3), 246-254. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0024694
- Steers, M. L. N., Wickham, R. E., & Acitelli, L. K. (2014). Seeing everyone else’s highlight reels: How Facebook usage is linked to depressive symptoms. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 33(8), 701-731. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2014.33.8.701
- Tsai, J. L., & Levenson, R. W. (1997). Cultural influences on emotional responding: Chinese American and European American dating couples during interpersonal conflict. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 28(5), 600-625. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022022197285006
- Wang, Y., & Chang, L. (2010). Multidimensional parental warmth and its relations to pupils’ social development: A comparison between paternal and maternal parenting. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 19(6), 738-746. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-010-9368-5