A client once described her marriage like this: “I spend hours analyzing his facial expressions, trying to guess what he’s thinking. By the time we actually talk, I’m already exhausted.”

This experience—the constant interpretation of nonverbal cues, the second-guessing, the walking on eggshells—is surprisingly common in intimate relationships, particularly among Asian couples where direct communication about emotions may not have been modeled in their families of origin.

The Silent Language That Speaks Volumes

Nonverbal communication—facial expressions, body language, tone of voice—often conveys more than words alone. Research shows that a significant portion of emotional meaning comes through nonverbal channels rather than the words themselves (Mehrabian, 1972).

In healthy relationships, nonverbal communication enhances understanding. In struggling relationships, however, it often becomes a source of misinterpretation and anxiety.

The Exhausting Cycle of Second-Guessing

Many couples fall into patterns where they constantly interpret their partner’s facial expressions, react defensively to changes in tone, and read physical cues like crossed arms as rejection. This hypervigilance—constantly monitoring nonverbal signals—creates cognitive and emotional exhaustion, activating the sympathetic nervous system and keeping people in a low-grade “fight-or-flight” response (Gottman & Levenson, 1992).

The Cultural Roots of Silence

For many Asian individuals, the reluctance to speak directly stems from deeply ingrained cultural values. Research by Kim and Markus (2002) identified that in many Asian cultures, social harmony is prioritized over individual expression, with direct confrontation viewed as disruptive and immature.

This cultural inclination toward indirect communication is reinforced by:

• Respect for hierarchy and authority
• Face-saving (avoiding embarrassment for oneself and others)
• Collectivist priorities over individual needs
• Stoicism as a virtue in handling problems

Park et al. (2013) found that even Asian Americans raised in Western contexts often internalize these communication patterns, experiencing greater anxiety around direct expression than their non-Asian peers.

Walking on Eggshells: The Price of Ambiguity

When direct communication feels unsafe, many partners report “walking on eggshells”—carefully monitoring their own words and body language to avoid triggering negative reactions.

This pattern creates a paradox: the more you focus on controlling your communication to avoid conflict, the less authentic and connected you feel. Research by Butler et al. (2003) demonstrates that suppressing authentic expression increases physiological stress and decreases relationship satisfaction for both partners.

Breaking the Cycle: Finding Your Voice

The solution isn’t eliminating nonverbal communication—it’s creating a healthier balance with explicit conversation:

1. Just Ask

The simplest solution is often the most effective: instead of interpreting your partner’s expressions, ask what they’re thinking or feeling. Questions like “I noticed you seem quiet tonight—is something on your mind?” create connection rather than assumption.

2. Name the Pattern

Simply acknowledging “I notice I’m trying to read your mind right now” can break the automatic cycle and create space for direct communication.

3. Start Small and Practice Often

Butler and Randall (2013) found that practicing verbal expression with small, less emotionally charged topics builds confidence for discussing more significant issues. Begin with everyday matters before tackling deeper subjects.

4. Honor Cultural Values While Growing

You don’t need to abandon respect and harmony to communicate directly. Kim (2009) demonstrated that Asian Americans who framed direct communication as a way to ultimately strengthen harmony experienced less conflict between cultural values and personal expression.

The Benefits of Speaking Up

Moving from silence to verbal expression can feel especially challenging for those raised in Asian cultures where indirect communication is the norm. Yet research shows significant benefits.

A study by Hyun et al. (2018) found that Asian American couples who developed more direct communication styles reported decreased relationship stress, greater intimacy, and better health outcomes.

Finding Support for Change

At Underneath the Moon, we help couples move from exhausting hypervigilance to balanced, authentic communication. Our approach acknowledges cultural differences while creating new patterns that reduce anxiety and increase connection.

Start with a free 15-minute Zoom consultation to discuss how we can help you transform your communication patterns from draining to energizing.

Book your free consultation today and begin creating a relationship where you have the courage to speak your truth and the wisdom to listen.

References

1. Butler, E. A., & Randall, A. K. (2013). Emotional coregulation in close relationships. Emotion Review, 5(2), 202-210. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073912451630
2. Butler, E. A., Egloff, B., Wilhelm, F. H., Smith, N. C., Erickson, E. A., & Gross, J. J. (2003). The social consequences of expressive suppression. Emotion, 3(1), 48-67. https://doi.org/10.1037/1528-3542.3.1.48
3. Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221-233. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221
4. Hyun, K. J., Park, H., & Kim, J. H. (2018). Changes in marital satisfaction over time for Korean American immigrant couples. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 49(9), 1407-1429. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022022118783255
5. Kim, H. S., & Markus, H. R. (2002). Freedom of speech and freedom of silence: An analysis of talking as a cultural practice. In R. A. Shweder, M. Minow, & H. R. Markus (Eds.), Engaging cultural differences: The multicultural challenge in liberal democracies (pp. 432-452). Russell Sage Foundation.
6. Kim, B. S. K. (2009). Acculturation and enculturation of Asian Americans: A primer. In N. Tewari & A. N. Alvarez (Eds.), Asian American psychology: Current perspectives (pp. 97-112). Routledge.
7. Mehrabian, A. (1972). Nonverbal communication. Aldine-Atherton.
8. Park, Y. S., Kim, B. S. K., Chiang, J., & Ju, C. M. (2013). Acculturation, enculturation, parental adherence to Asian cultural values, parenting styles, and family conflict among Asian American college students. Asian American Journal of Psychology, 1(1), 67-79. https://doi.org/10.1037/2F0018961
9. Tsai, J. L., & Levenson, R. W. (1997). Cultural influences on emotional responding: Chinese American and European American dating couples during interpersonal conflict. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 28(5), 600-625. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022022197285006