“My parents never argued in front of us.”

“I don’t remember seeing my father cry.”

“We never discussed feelings in our home.”

These statements frequently emerge during relationship counseling sessions with Asian couples. What many view as cultural strength—emotional restraint, privacy, and prioritizing harmony—can sometimes create unexpected challenges in intimate relationships.

The Research Behind Cultural Communication Patterns

Research consistently shows significant differences in emotional expression across cultures. Studies examining emotional expressivity find that Asian participants typically display less outward emotional expression in laboratory settings compared to their Western counterparts, despite reporting similar internal emotional experiences (Tsai et al., 2006).

Similarly, research published in American Psychologist has documented that individuals from East Asian backgrounds are more likely to:

• Suppress negative emotional expressions
• View emotional restraint as a sign of maturity
• Consider group harmony more important than individual emotional expression
• Associate emotional control with wisdom and respect

These patterns don’t indicate less emotional depth, but rather different cultural values around when, where, and how emotions should be expressed (Kim et al., 2008).

The Origins of Emotional Restraint

This tendency toward emotional restraint has deep historical and philosophical roots:

• Collectivist Values: Many Asian cultures prioritize group harmony over individual emotional expression
• Philosophical Influences: Confucian principles of propriety and maintaining social order emphasize emotional regulation
• Practical Adaptations: In densely populated societies, emotional restraint helped maintain peace in close living quarters
• Historical Trauma: Generations who survived wars, colonization, and political upheaval often adopted emotional stoicism as a survival mechanism
• Parenting Approaches: The principle that “children should be seen and not heard” shaped many Asian households, where children learned early that silence was preferred to emotional expression

Many adults now in relationships grew up in environments where their emotional expressions were discouraged or even reprimanded. Studies on cultural differences in social support suggest that parenting practices significantly influence how individuals later express and process emotions in their adult relationships (Kim et al., 2008). When children grow up in homes where emotional expression is discouraged, they often develop into adults who struggle to identify and communicate their feelings—a critical skill for intimate relationships.

The Impact on Modern Relationships

Research shows that emotional disconnection is among the top reasons couples seek therapy, regardless of cultural background. However, this challenge manifests uniquely in relationships where both partners come from backgrounds that discourage emotional expression.

Studies examining family functioning across cultures have found that emotional differentiation—the ability to separate one’s thoughts and feelings from those of family members—is significantly influenced by cultural context, with implications for relationship satisfaction (Chung & Gale, 2009).

Research by relationship experts like Drs. John and Julie Gottman indicates that difficulty expressing emotions can create barriers to intimacy that affect relationship satisfaction and longevity (Gottman & Gottman, 2018).

Breaking the Cycle of Silence

The good news? Communication patterns are learned behaviors that can be modified while still honoring cultural values. Research by relationship experts indicates that learning emotional communication skills can significantly increase relationship satisfaction, regardless of cultural background (Gottman & Gottman, 2018).

Effective approaches include:

1. Recognizing the pattern without judgment Understanding that emotional restraint comes from cultural adaptation rather than personal coldness
2. Starting small and specific Beginning with structured exercises that make emotional expression more comfortable
3. Separating expression from conflict Learning that sharing feelings doesn’t necessarily lead to disharmony
4. Developing new family patterns Creating intentional moments for connection that didn’t exist in your family of origin
5. Respecting cultural values while expanding skills Finding ways to maintain respect and harmony while increasing emotional intimacy

Finding Cultural Balance

The goal isn’t to reject cultural heritage but to consciously choose which patterns to carry forward. Many couples discover they can maintain deeply valued cultural traditions while developing new communication styles that support intimacy.

At Underneath the Moon, we understand the delicate balance between honoring cultural heritage and creating relationships that meet contemporary emotional needs. Our approach acknowledges the strengths in traditional Asian values while addressing the challenges they sometimes create in intimate partnerships.

Start with a free 15-minute Zoom consultation to explore how we can help you navigate these complex cultural patterns. Our culturally-informed approach respects your heritage while helping you build new skills for deeper connection.

Book your free consultation today and begin creating a relationship that honors your past while building a more emotionally connected future.

References

1. Butler, E. A., Lee, T. L., & Gross, J. J. (2007). Emotion regulation and culture: Are the social consequences of emotion suppression culture-specific? Emotion, 7(1), 30-48. https://doi.org/10.1037/1528-3542.7.1.30
2. Chung, G. H., & Gale, J. (2009). Family functioning and self-differentiation: A cross-cultural examination. Contemporary Family Therapy, 31, 19-33. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10591-008-9080-4
3. Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2018). The science of couples and family therapy: Behind the scenes at the “Love Lab.” W.W. Norton & Company.
4. Kim, H. S., Sherman, D. K., & Taylor, S. E. (2008). Culture and social support. American Psychologist, 63(6), 518-526. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.63.6.518
5. Tsai, J. L., Knutson, B., & Fung, H. H. (2006). Cultural variation in affect valuation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 90(2), 288-307. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.90.2.288