“We’ve become excellent roommates and co-parents, but we’ve forgotten how to be lovers.”

“Everything in our relationship feels like another responsibility to fulfill.”

“Between work deadlines and family obligations, there’s no space for just enjoying each other.”

These sentiments reflect a common pattern we observe among Asian couples in Singapore: relationships that function efficiently but have lost their element of pleasure and playfulness. The duty-centered approach that serves many couples well in building stability can inadvertently drain relationships of joy and spontaneity.

The Duty Trap

Traditional values emphasizing responsibility, hard work, and family obligations create many strengths in Asian relationships. However, research shows these same values can inadvertently create what relationship researchers call “all-work-no-play syndrome” in partnerships.

The Singapore Context

Singapore consistently ranks among the top nations globally for longest working hours. According to the Ministry of Manpower’s Labour Force Survey (2020), Singaporeans work an average of 45 hours weekly, significantly higher than most developed nations. This work-centric lifestyle leaves limited energy and time for relationship cultivation.

A study by Quah (2008) examining family life in Singapore found that married couples frequently operate within a “responsibility-first” framework, where:

• Career advancement and financial security take precedence
• Parenting responsibilities are meticulously fulfilled
• Extended family obligations are prioritized
• Personal enjoyment is postponed for “someday”

When Duty Extends to Intimacy

This duty orientation frequently extends to physical intimacy. Research by Mark et al. (2014) examining intimate relationships across cultures found that obligation-motivated physical intimacy was associated with lower satisfaction and connection over time.

This pattern creates what researchers call a “pleasure deficit”—where couples maintain physical connection but gradually lose the enjoyment that gives such connection meaning. Over time, this deficit correlates with decreased relationship satisfaction and emotional connection (Impett et al., 2019).

The Neuroscience of Play and Pleasure

The solution isn’t abandoning responsibility but deliberately counterbalancing it with playfulness. Research in relationship neuroscience offers compelling insights:

Brown (2009) demonstrated in his extensive research on play that playful interaction between partners triggers neurochemical responses similar to those experienced in early romantic attachment, including oxytocin release (the “bonding hormone”) and dopamine activation (the “pleasure chemical”).

Gottman and Gottman (2017), in their landmark relationship research, identified play and humor as critical components of what they term “the Sound Relationship House” – their evidence-based model of relationship success. Their research found that couples who incorporated regular playfulness showed greater resilience during conflict and higher overall satisfaction.

Reclaiming Pleasure: Practical Approaches

1. Legitimize Pleasure as Essential (Not Optional)

The first step requires a mindset shift. Cohen et al. (2012) found that couples who explicitly valued shared enjoyment as a relationship priority were significantly more likely to maintain emotional connection during busy periods compared to those who viewed pleasure as secondary to responsibilities.

For Asian couples raised with strong duty orientations, explicitly discussing the value of pleasure—and recognizing that relationship joy enhances rather than competes with other responsibilities—creates permission for greater playfulness.

2. Start with Micro-Moments

Research by Fredrickson (2009) on “micro-moments of positivity” demonstrates that brief positive interactions (3-15 seconds) accumulated throughout the day have more impact on relationship quality than occasional grand gestures. These might include:

• A six-second kiss when leaving for work (which Gottman’s research specifically identifies as relationship-strengthening)
• A moment of genuine eye contact with a smile
• A playful text message during the workday
• A 30-second shoulder rub while passing in the hallway

These brief connections require minimal time but maintain the neural pathways of pleasure and connection.

3. Create Laughter Rituals

Kurtz and Algoe (2017) found that shared laughter—particularly about relationship-specific humor—was a stronger predictor of relationship satisfaction than frequency of sex, shared interests, or even conflict resolution skills.

Successful couples in their research deliberately created “inside jokes” and humorous rituals that served as relationship touchstones during stressful periods.

4. Schedule Unstructured Time

While “scheduling spontaneity” might seem contradictory, research by Girme et al. (2014) found that couples who deliberately set aside time with no agenda—even just 20 minutes—experienced significantly more pleasurable interactions than those who left fun to chance.

The key finding: pleasurable experiences require protected space without the pressure of specific goals or outcomes.

5. Bring Playfulness into Everyday Activities

Debrot et al. (2017) found that couples who incorporated playful elements into ordinary responsibilities—turning cooking into a dance party, making household chores into games, or bringing humor into parenting challenges—reported less stress and greater relationship satisfaction than those who maintained rigid boundaries between duty and pleasure.

Moving Forward Together

The path to greater relationship pleasure doesn’t require abandoning cultural values around responsibility. Instead, it involves creating space alongside those values for the joy that brings relationships their meaning and vitality.

At Underneath the Moon, we help couples reclaim the pleasure dimension of their relationships while honoring their commitments to family, work, and community. Our approach integrates evidence-based practices with sensitivity to cultural values.

Start with a free 15-minute Zoom consultation to discuss how we can help you bring more joy and playfulness into your relationship without sacrificing the stability you’ve worked hard to create.

Book your free consultation today and begin creating a relationship that honors both duty and delight.

References

1. Brown, S. L. (2009). Play: How it shapes the brain, opens the imagination, and invigorates the soul. Penguin.
2. Cohen, S., Schulz, M. S., Weiss, E., & Waldinger, R. J. (2012). Eye of the beholder: The individual and dyadic contributions of empathic accuracy and perceived empathic effort to relationship satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 26(2), 236-245. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0027488
3. Debrot, A., Schoebi, D., Perrez, M., & Horn, A. B. (2013). Touch as an interpersonal emotion regulation process in couples’ daily lives: The mediating role of psychological intimacy. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 39(10), 1373-1385. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167213497592
4. Fredrickson, B. L. (2013). Positive emotions broaden and build. In P. Devine & A. Plant (Eds.), Advances in Experimental Social Psychology (Vol. 47, pp. 1-53). Academic Press. https://doi.org/10.1016/B978-0-12-407236-7.00001-2
5. Girme, Y. U., Overall, N. C., & Simpson, J. A. (2013). When visibility matters: Short-term versus long-term costs and benefits of visible and invisible support. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 39(11), 1441-1454. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167213497802
6. Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). The natural principles of love. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(1), 7-26. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12182
7. Impett, E. A., Muise, A., & Harasymchuk, C. (2019). Giving in the bedroom: The costs and benefits of responding to a partner’s sexual needs in daily life. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(8), 2455-2473. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407518787349
8. Kurtz, L. E., & Algoe, S. B. (2015). Putting laughter in context: Shared laughter as behavioral indicator of relationship well-being. Personal Relationships, 22(4), 573-590. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12095
9. Mark, K. P., Herbenick, D., Fortenberry, J. D., Sanders, S., & Reece, M. (2014). A psychometric comparison of three scales and a single-item measure to assess sexual satisfaction. Journal of Sex Research, 51(2), 159-169. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2013.816261
10. Ministry of Manpower. (2020). Labour force in Singapore 2020. Government of Singapore. https://stats.mom.gov.sg/Pages/Labour-Force-In-Singapore-2020.aspx
11. Quah, S. R. (2008). Families in Asia: Home and kin. Routledge.